This month is an anniversary of sorts for me. It was this time two years ago that I accepted the Lord, Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour. In the traditional sense Christians call that becoming "saved". At this point in my life I am not sure exactly what that means and how I feel about that. I don't feel "saved" in fact most days I feel like I am drowning. Of course I know what the term "saved" represents. I know it represents my soul being rescued from eternal damnation and being lifted out of the hell fire when the apocalypse hits. I know all that theoritical bullshit.

What I struggle against right now is the here and now. My life was a manic mess before I found Jesus...or He found me. But now I can't figure out if I am any better off then I used to be. Sure, sure...I will join the Father and be spared the fire but what about the right here and now? I gave up sex....for reasons other than just being "saved". I only date the type of guy I would marry (which means I haven't been on a date in years...) and for a little while I gave up swearing like a sailor and drinking like one....! But to be perfectly honest without the benefit getting laid...the cursing came back and so did my desire for the "demon" alcohol. I know that isn't really the "Christian" way to live but fuck it. It's the only way I know how to survive right now!

So anyway...here I am two years of Savedom, a year out of therapy and my life seems to get messier and more confused. Last year was the year of discovery for me and it has certainly left me struggling in its aftermath. What am I talking about? Well last year I discovered that I wasn't going to shrivel and die like I thought I would when my daughter moved an hour away to live with her boyfriend....but it sure felt like I came close. Last year I discovered that the world wouldn't crash around my ears when she told me she was pregnant at nineteen by said boyfriend....but again it still felt pretty close. Last year I discovered that starting over with nothing will NOT physically kill you but sometimes the emotional pain makes you feel like it might. Last year I discovered that turning your back on your dream of being married to the man of your dreams and having a little boy of your very own is not the end of the world...eventhough it feels like it very well could be. Last year I learned that having your pregnant daughter move back in with you in your one bedroom apartment with her boyfriend is not the worse thing that could happen to you....eventhough it feels like it very well should be. Of course my biggest and final discovery of 2006 was the fact that although my life seems too rough and I feel extremely ordinary.....I can use my writing to escape the world....if only for a moment. I can live in a technicolor word filled world....which left to my imagination can sometimes be quite extraordinary.

This past year it began to feel like the Diva had lost her Crown.......but the reality was ....life had managed to give it a major tilt. I am not sure what all the discoveries mean for me but I have a feeling I will never be truly the same. But that is probably for the best I guess. No one should remain the same and no matter how painful the metamorphes is......change if handled with faith and courage......could always be for the good....

Last night I had to take desperate measures to save myself. It appears that due to my hectic life situation, the worst has happened. Well at least in my eyes it is the worst. In the midst of all my struggling to stay afloat, I have become somewhat dimwitted. Slow on the uptake, not as bright as I used to be a mere shadow of my former self. I used to pride myself on being if not a rocket scientist a very minor intellect at best.

Well my lack of any real social life and my non-existent reading life has unfortunately served a huge disfavor and removed my quasi-intellectual senses. So as I said before last night I took matters into my own hands. In a last ditch effort to reclaim my very shattered faculties, I climbed into the recesses of my very large closet to find one of my most prized possessions. What was this possession you ask? What was the one thing that could possibly save the Diva and her senses? Well it was a beautifully bound copy of all the treasured writings of my literary crush and the source of many of my unfettered inspirations. The one and only Khalil Gibran. You see I am on fire for his work. And lucky for me simply the act of seeing his name on the binding of the book was enough to send my fingers flying over my keyboard. I am slowly coming back. I will be back. I shall one day very, very soon begin to write again.

I have been away from the stream for far to long.

It's been a while since I really had time to write my thoughts down anywhere. I haven't touched my book and my two blogs have been woefully neglected. I have managed to find time here and there to stop in on others....albeit breifly...to see what the rest of the world has been up to and I am grateful that it least I managed to find time for that. The stream is a great place to be and at times it lifts me up and others it gives me inspiration.

Lately there has been nothing on my mind of significance to really discuss and nothing at all entertaining in my life to report. But today I find myself pondering the nature of people. What is it about a person that drives them to slay another's dream? I for one have big dreams for myself. Most of you know what they are....for I have shared them on this very site. The thing that I must say that I love the most about the stream is the positive energy that seems to flow through it's very theraputic waters. I for one thank you all for that. But do you know that this air of support that flows through the stream is so rare in life? Do you know there are actually people out there who would rather the entire world stayed in the boat with them and not ever DARE to try and walk on water? Well there are.

My whole life things have occurred to me that should have crushed all my hopes in dreams and left me scarred and devasted. But with the help of faith and a hope in something higher than myself, I have managed to continue to dream. I have noticed lately that the average person, no matter how great their life has been thus far.....the average person has not ever had a moment...not once...in their entire lives where they have reached for something bigger than what they have right now. It seems that most people dream only what's possible not what's probable. The average person only imagines himself rich by winning the lottery but never by financial success.

If I told someone that I intend to climb the corporate ladder and become successful that way they would say it was possible and probably wish me luck. However if I said I want to write a book and go on public speaking tours they laugh and call me a dreamer......why would one be more realistic than the other? I am black girl with strong opinions, a flamboyant personality and a very big mouth.......do you really see the corporate dream as more of a reality for me.....?? What is it about a person with a big dream that scares everybody else?

Okay here's something I never considered. In working on the story of my life I never really considered how my ex boyfriend would feel once he finds out how his "character" was treated in the book. Now of course the story of my life contains no names and no real descriptions. In the book people are named by the characteristics they personified to me (that is to say how I saw them). Unless you know me personally and know the intimate details of my life there is no way for you to know for sure to whom I am. Like for example, I dated two men with dreads in my rowdy days but only one is listed in the book as "Dreadman". So if you met one or both in passing at some point in my life then you would probably not be able to identify to whom I am referring during any particular passage. Now of course if you only met one then you would probably assume that he was the one to whom I was referring. Get it? Maybe, maybe not?! Well suffice it to say that while reading my life out loud story you will suffer the same confusion if you tried to figure out who was who and what their real names were or could have been.

However...the only people who can truly identify the real players in the story of my life are the actual participants themselves. Now up until this point in my life I had never given this much thought. Most of them (all of the men) I no longer keep in touch with so they will probably never have occasion to read it (unless they catch me on Oprah. For the most part I don't care what they feel or think about their in most cases small part. However, there is one ex that I see every once in a while and we live in close proximity to each other. I would hate if he were to be hurt by anything I did, said, wrote or blogged about. Now of course it's not like I said anything bad about him. Well maybe kind of sort of....would a man be upset if he found out he were being catogorized by his male member? Well what if the category were teeny, tiny? Would that bother him if all the world were to see? Well anyway.....the real problem as I see it.....is the fact that other than mentioning his paltry pecker....he really has a quite a bit part...pun intended of course.

Him and I go way back and have known each other the majority of my dating life. He was my second REAL boyfriend/manfriend. We have kept in touch on and off all through the years and yet in the story of my life, he barely rates a mention. I am wondering aloud....how is that going to make him feel? I know for me I am the center of my own universe and if someone from my past wrote a book....the first thing I will do is look to see how big my part is in it......! But that's just me....I guess you're wondering where this is coming from so suddenly...Well I haven't seen him in over a year and yesterday our paths crossed once again. In catching each other up on the happenings of our lives I mentioned my book. His first comment you ask? "Well....I guess I am known in the book as the best thing that ever happened to you...." He half joked......."heh"....she laughed awkwardly as she remembered what she DID write.....Hmmm...Maybe he should just be happy that once his family calls him to tell him that his ex girlfriend is on Oprah....that at least he received an honorable mention in her book........of course....I doubt he stakes claim to his entry.....! Oh well...he can always pretend he was someone else.....

Recently a wise king told me to give control of my life over to God and allow Him to show me His plans for my future. I'll be honest. When I first read the words I thought smugly to myself..."I already did that!" But that was not the complete reality of my situation. You see two years ago, my life was at an all time low. I mean I was at the lowest point I had ever been and I truly had no desire to go on. Back then suicide was a real option for me. Once I even played a dice game to see if the devil should win and I should end my life. I said that day to God (who I hadn't spoke to in years)..."if I roll a six that means I should just cut the Sh#t and end it all right now. " Well....wouldn't you know...I rolled a damn six! Well for some reason I found that hilarious and just laughed out loud all day long. I thought to myself....."Even God wants me gone..." The thought was so funny to me that I shared the story with a friend who was soooo dayum concerned for me that she begged me to seek professional help. Immediately!!!!

Well I count my first and only dice game as the point in time where God stepped in and saved my pitiful life. Because I am not one to break a promise, I kept my therapy appointment and continued to seek the much needed counsel for an entire year. It was right before my first therapy appointment that God showed up and revealed Himself to me and dug up a past so buried in my pyshce that my denial almost had me completely forget. In my year I was able to begin to put my abuse riddled childhood behind me and begin to move into God's wonderous light. Well, I say all this to say that back then I surrendered my ENTIRE life to God and allowed myself to trust Him completely. But that was then. The problem as I see it is this.....It is so easy for us to trust God when we have no choice and we are at our wits end. But the true test comes when we are back on our feet. You see once I gained what I thought was "control" of my life I leaned on God less and less. That was most definitely a bad thing!

You see..once I gained my equilibruim and allowed God to help me establish some sort of control...I started to take His power over my life back. The problem as I see it with most of us is this....It is sooo easy for us to rely on Him that created us when we are down and out or in need...but let us gain our equilibrium and we begin to wrestle the One for control. As HE is not a Lord of force He gives us back control of our lives until we go through enough or finally come to our senses and again release our control. So that was where I have been for a minute. It seems when it concerns my professional visions of the future...I am content to let God have full control...I have no choice. But when it comes to my love life I am afraid to let go and let God 100% of the time. I mean let's face it...when I was in the world the guys I entertained where not only hot, sexy and loving every part of me...they were also very intelligent....I continually wonder if God is as concerned with sexual chemistry, physical attraction and phenomenal sex as I am...or used to be....If the latter house shall be greater than the former HE has an awful lot to compete with in regards to my sexual past. I know...I should not be so obessessed with such carnal things....but let's keep it real...I have given up sex until marriage at this point in my life.....If I am willing to wait until who knows when...then that part had better be off the hook!

All I know is........I am once again trusting God with EVERY part of my life. But this trust thing is a learned behaviour and one I will probably continue to struggle with again and again and again.....yadda, yadda, yadda...... Life for me is a circle with no real beginning or a true end. My past will lead me to my future and my pain will propel me into my tomorrows. My struggles define me and make me into who I am today. But more importantly....they shape my words and give strength and purpose to the women I will meet and inspire in all my tomorrows.....My hope is that my passions, my pain and my struggles will lead someone to know God and accept His son as Lord and Saviour of their life. Right now...the only message my mess has produced is "I am still standing..." Right now for me that has to be enough. But I know the plans He has for me. Simply my existence will not ever be enough. My life is so much bigger than what people may see right now. My pain has given me power beyond all measure. I am strong enough to be weak and have enough courage to show my fear. I am His completely and one day I will see the rewards......